The tribulation = living purgatory?

While reading Tim LaHaye’s Left Behind, Slacktivist arrived at this theory of the doctrine of the Tribulation:

The Great Tribulation, according to this theory, is a kind of living Purgatory.

LaHaye, of course, does not believe in Purgatory. It is, after all, an extrabiblical innovation now abandoned even by those parts of the church that once accepted the idea. The case for Purgatory was based on a handful of fairly opaque, symbol-heavy passages of Scripture which were magnified through the prism of a complex interpretive scheme that imposed its own cosmology and chronology. It is, in other words, very much like the case for premillennial dispensationalism. Except the case for Purgatory was probably stronger.

And more on Left Behind from Joe Bageant:

If a Muslim were to write an Islamic version of the last book in the Left Behind series, Glorious Appearing, and publish it across the Middle East, Americans would go beserk. Yet tens of millions of Christians eagerly await and celebrate an End Time when everyone who disagrees with them will be murdered in ways that make Islamic beheading look like a bridal shower. Jesus — who apparently has a much nastier streak than we have been led to believe — merely speaks and “the bodies of the enemy are ripped wide open down the middle.” In the book Christians have to drive carefully to avoid “hitting splayed and filleted corpses of men and women and horses” Even as the riders’ tongues are melting in their mouths and they are being wide open gutted by God’s own hand, the poor damned horses are getting the same treatment. Sort of a divinely inspired version of “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.”

1 comment May 9th, 2006

Innumerable Numbers of the Beast

Including but not limited to the neighbor of the Beast, the retail price of the Beast, and, as you requested, the Square Rool of All Evil™ (while supplies last).

I once had a phone number that started with the Mark of the Beast: (617) 666-xxxx. It was when I lived in the parsonage.

2 comments March 6th, 2006

Would you like a free informational video?

Slacktivist explains exactly what’s wrong with evangelicals’ signature form of evangelism.  Excellent discussion in the comments thread, too.  (Hat tip to Tommy Tanaka for the email heads-ups.)

Add comment February 22nd, 2006

Introducing the Prophet…Bono?

Slacktivist reports on a recent example of real biblical prophecy in our times:

Bush got his photo op with Bono, but it was a bit like King David posing for photos with Nathan. Speaking truth to power is the task of the prophet, and also, perhaps, of the rock star, and that’s a bit of what happened yesterday at, of all places, the National Prayer Breakfast.

What did Bono have to say? Slacktivist has extensive pull quotes, or you can read the full text here. Summary: God is with our planet’s poor people, and the US had best figure out whose side God is really on. And Bono only has the bulk of the biblical prophets to back him up.

Tags: bono, prayer breakfast, bush, poverty, africa, aids, prophecy, biblical prophecy

Add comment February 11th, 2006

Get your ticket to the Rapture!

This comes from Rapture Clock. This is not a bad idea. It’s much easier than praying that damn sinner’s prayer over and over and over again. If you start to get shit from fundy friends, all you gotta say is, “I got my ticket to the rapture last Thursday from eBay.”

This is not unlike my experience of being newly married. It seemed that in the receiving line after the wedding folks were asking my wife and I when we were planning on having a baby? In response to this question, I am thinking, “WTF? we just got married 16 minutes ago.” I got sick of nosy people who kept asking me that so I would simply reply, “We’re getting started having that kid next thursday, do you wanna buy a ticket?” Questioners might have been appalled at my answer, but at least they new my plans.

It’s all about covering your bases.

Tags: Rapture, eBay, tickets

Add comment February 3rd, 2006

Americans’ problems explained

The obesity epidemic? Global warming and SUVs? Consumer debt crisis?

Culprit: the Rapture.

Tags: obesity epidemic, Global warming, SUVs, Consumer debt, Rapture

Add comment January 10th, 2006

TBN fires Hal Lindsey

No more End Times news on Trinity Broadcasting Network by Late, Great Planet Earth author Hal “Virile Mustachio” Lindsey:

In an interview, Lindsey said he was told specifically, through the TBN “chain of command,” that his program was being dropped indefinitely because he was “Arab bashing.”

The announcement follows an abrupt six-week suspension of the popular TBN-sponsored program by Jan Crouch, TBN’s vice president for programming.

Arab bashing, or was Hal dishing Jan’s latest prom-dress-and-wig matching combo at the TBN Christmas party? Or maybe she caught him trying on one of her wigs when his rug hadn’t come back from the cleaners in time for taping? (At least that was his excuse.) Or maybe she thought she was firing husband Paul? (What? You thought a woman who dressed like that had 20/20 vision? Please…)

Sigh. I’m just bitter. My dad went on several mission trips to Honduras when I was a kid, and at one point they were going to be guests on TBN’s flagship program “Praise the Lord!” I asked my dad (a barber) to find out why Jan’s hair was pink.

In other news, I’m not going to give Silver Tongued Devil my leather-bound copy of the Collected Works of Hal Lindsey as a late Christmas gift, as per our usual arrangement. After this cancellation, maybe I can make some money off of it on Ebay.
(Hat tip to The Revealer.)

Tags: End Times, Trinity Broadcasting Network, Late, Great Planet Earth, Jan Crouch, TBN, hal lindsey

17 comments January 4th, 2006